I wrote this poem a few Saturdays ago; hesitated to share, but think that I would like to workshop it for the Week 8 final piece. Bit of background... While I was drinking my coffee and reading Mary Oliver's New & Selected Poems Volume 2 on a bright spring morning, I heard the familiar sound of my husband shouting at our dog to "leave it." I immediately knew what Ollie had gotten a hold of- one of my husband's dirty socks. For the past 3 years, Ollie has formed an obsessive behavior of literally digging in my husband's laundry bin for the stinkiest, dirtiest socks he can find, and then he parades them around the house. We have the worst time catching him, and he has ruined dozens of socks in just the past year. It's so bad that we've got our trainer working with him on it! (Ridiculous, I know!) Anyways, I wrote this poem in response to the match that was beginning upstairs that day, and I allude to a poem- "Jabberwocky", by Lewis Carroll- that I happened to be teaching that week. Hope you enjoy and please feel free to rip it apart so I can make improvements for Week 8! Thank you!
(Thought I'd include a video clip of Ollie as a puppy to test out a new aspect of blogging!)Socks
"Leave it!" he scolds-
the fraudulent stern master.
My lips tighten,
cannot expose the grin creeping in.
But I'm rooting for Ollie,
"Get it!"
"Get it!"
He dares to snatch,
grippens tightly,
bounds away,
delivers it to me with a heroic
whipping of the prize,
back and forth
in his proud muzzle.
Then I remember-
he's like the boy from Carroll's piece
[What's his name?
Are we ever told?]
who bravely defeats the
Jabberwock.
So I'll cheer him
on at his domestic victory,
"Callooh! Callay!"
And remind our own homely
monster- scruffed chin,
twisted pajama man- that
one
day
our brave, curious boy
will cease
to be
obnoxious by stealing socks
from loaded laundry bins.
And on the sterile, white, hard
table, one day,
we'll grip his white paws, smooth
the thinning, grey hairs about his mouth and
wish for bander-snatching days.
And then we'll both gird him
with the courage required
for his next feat
into the tovey woods,
so unknown to us.
Elisha, well, that was a really sad ending that I wasn't expecting. It started out so light and happy and then got dark. Is the JabberWocky that way? Now I'm just curious and have to read to understand. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteNo, Jabberwocky's really not a sad poem; it's quite cute. But do you think that the tone shift is too sharp or sudden? Is it something that I could change and make better?
ReplyDeleteOh, I don't know if you should change it. I wouldn't, I don't think. That's what good literature does for us, doesn't it? It takes us down a path we that we didn't anticipate. As, a reader, I get so drawn in, I have such an imagination. And the illusions to the Jabberwocky are so intriguing I want to read that now. And that's what good writing does for us too, I think, it continues the adventure and introduces us to new avenues of literature. It makes us want to read more! (I have a hard time critiquing others writing. It's so personal.)
ReplyDeleteHi Elisha,
ReplyDeleteWhat are you working on today? Just wanted you to know I wrote a new post.
Since you mentioned that you wanted criticism/review, I only came up with a couple of points:
ReplyDelete-The tone shift is fine, confusing on the first read-through, but that may just be my morning dullness.
-the line "whipping of the prize..." sounds awkward to me for some reason.
-Love the diction, (fraudulent, gird)